New breed of karate

There are numerous styles of karate and the list grows daily. Combinations of boxing, wrestling, judo and you-name-it are springing up everywhere and all karate is being classified with these versions in the eyes of the general public.

Without going into details concerning karate history, I will summarize. An indigenous form of empty hand fighting developed in Okinawa and melded with versions of Chinese fighting into a system called "TE" (using the hand).

"TE" developed further within three regions of Okinawa that were separated by cultural differences and a few miles distance. These "TE" were distinctive enough to receive names from each region; Naha-te, Shuri-te and Tomari-te. From these 3 forms of "TE", most other styles of karate have developed; however, the focus of this article is not to explore the history or development of these styles or subsequent Okinawan styles, but the formation of a modern 4th "Te".

The 4th "Te" is gaining in popularity not only from the martial artist's viewpoint, but also from the general public as well. This is due mainly from media and word-of-mouth coverage. This new style is called by many names and can't be classed into one of the three original Te; however, careful study of techniques has revealed a name, "Haha-te".

Haha-Te is the sensationalism, flashiness and exaggeration of Karate's original concepts. The flamboyant style of Haha-te lends itself to influence even the non-martial artist. Movies, TV programs, books and magazines all portray Haha-te as a viable martial art. Many of the non-martial artists believe that this is a true depiction of all karate.

The questions that some people ask concerning karate are very amazing. Most of these questions come from hearsay and rumors. "I have a friend whose brother-in-law's cousin had to pull the heart out of a sheep in order to get his black belt, do you guys really do that?'

No matter how many legitimate systems of karate there are, the general public will associate all karate with Haha-te and with limited knowledge on their part, it is difficult to "educate" them as to the truth concerning karate.

So, what is Haha-te? Haha-te is that version of karate that is so elaborate and extraordinary that it is difficult to put into words. It is best to describe it with the questions and "facts" that come from viewing this "deadly" art.

The first requirement is a flashy uniform. It must be a bright color or multicolored, preferably satin. The uniform must have the practitioner's name is 3 inch letters on the back along with some kind of nickname embroidered on one leg. There must be numerous patches, a Coors(r) patch is usually a sign of significant ability.

Next is the name of the style. This must be a combination of various Japanese words that sound very important but when spoken to a Japanese would either have him rolling on the ground or scratching his head trying to figure out what it means, my favorite is "KaraKiDo", translated it means "empty spirit way".

Haha-te practitioners spend a lot of time in learning their art, usually 4 or 5 hours of instruction in one martial art. They then take several more forms of fighting and do the same. Through some magical formula, they take only the "best" from each and do away with the "worst".

What a relief not to have to study all of those useless techniques. I can't imagine what the ancient masters must have been thinking when they put those useless things in there. I am just glad that we have "modern sam-a-ryes" (they could be called "Rambo-ryes") that took the one or two years to decipher a 1000 years of development condensed it into the easy to attain program of "you can earn your black belt by mail in 6 months."

Haha-te can be a little complicated in that sometimes kata is used and sometimes it is not. If there are kata, they have very complicated names such as "Ka-da one or Ka-da two". The kata themselves must have been kept secret at least several months and it takes a lot of skill in break dancing to perform, especially since music is normally required to perform the kata.

Demonstrating abilities is where Haha-te has gained most of its popularity. These demonstrations exhibit the ultimate in self-defense especially if being attacked by a stack of flaming boards or a large block of ice. Frankly, the last time I was attacked by flaming boards, I was severely scorched.

There are accounts of Haha-te experts jumping fiat footed and kicking a basketball goal with both feet. When I last measured, I believe that was 10 feet, which should be a new Olympic high jump record. I even saw an expert on "That's Incredible" jumping over a speeding sports car. I have never started a fight with a sports car and don't intend to.

Being able to fend off the attack of 10 to 20 people at once is another attribute of Haha-te. All we need is about 100 of them and we won't need an army. The closest thing they ever came to a real battle was in a shoving match at the "Blue Light special" in Kmart.

Rank is very important in Haha-te. The sooner the rank is attained and the higher the rank, the better. I have heard of the existence of a "12th degree" black belt. Age seems to make no difference, there are 6 year old 2nd degree black belts. Boy, do they strike fear in my heart. I lie awake a night worrying that one of these 70lb fighting machines will attack me with a stack of flaming boards.

Then there's the black belt test. No way am I going to catch rattlesnakes while being blind fold or even catch blind fold rattlesnakes. The real test, however, is to pull the heart out of a sheep. In earlier days it used to be a requirement to kill another black belt by pulling out his heart and showing it to him before he died; however, being more civilized, it is now only proper to kill sheep.

So, what is Haha-te? Haha-te literally means "funny" karate. Although all of this is in jest, it does hit home with certain facts. Being traditionalists, we have to refute the misconceptions that have been drawn by the misinformed and presented as facts to the uninformed

It is very difficult to convert a Haha-te practitioner, they take the easy road to success, programmed development, little insight into the depth of karate technique and they only use techniques that work against their made up beliefs.